Our posts on this site are typically dedicated to sharing information about intelligence, the brain and cognitive behavior; advice is rarely offered. However, there have been in the past, extensive reports that family gatherings on American Thanksgiving have often ended in hostilities and severed relationships as people move from rational to emotional mode. So let’s “talk turkey.”
Thanksgiving has traditionally been a time when families convene to escape the intensity of daily life and share the comfort of loving kinship. Yet, the increasing polarization of today’s society threatens to turn this festive occasion, for some families, into a bitter experience that damages the feelings of love and good will.
As the turkey is carved and the wine flows, discussions that began with conviviality and good intent will sometimes degenerate into strong verbal exchanges that escalate as differing perceptions flare and frustrations build. Averting such a disaster will require that at least one person in the group takes the high road of rational inquiry. That person might be you.
When someone disparages your most cherished beliefs and dismisses your opinions as naive or ill-informed, you will probably feel an intense urge to strike back with equal intensity. While such a response might provide momentary satisfaction, it would be a missed opportunity. If you have the presence of mind to “keep your powder dry,” you will realize that you have little hope of persuading the attacker to your point of view. However, you can use this as an excellent opportunity to explore the origin of the attacker’s perspective. Is your attacker’s opinion founded in hard data, research or extensive experience, or is it a mantra of a “tribe” to which that person belongs?
One technique for discerning the origins of the attacker’s opinions is to smile gently and ask in a conciliatory tone, “Yes, I could be wrong, why do you believe …” The conciliatory tone is disarming, because it is unexpected and invites a rational, rather than an emotional response. The attacker’s response to your question will tell you a great deal. If you listen carefully, you will be able to determine whether the attacker’s opinion has some merit or whether it’s an opinion that fits their emotional need. For example, a person who asserts vehemently that we must double the taxes on the rich, may be financially challenged or may feel envy toward those who have more wealth, and has not likely explored the implications of doubling taxes rates at the highest levels. Such a person would not likely be receptive to an explanation of the complexities of such a policy and it would be foolish to attempt to provide convincing information. At this point it’s wise to smile and admit the possibility that the person could be right, and move onto whether he thinks the Beavers will beat the Bears in the next football game–as long as you don’t have an emotional stake in the game.
If however, the attacker raises some valid points, then you have an opportunity for an interesting discussion that may provide you with information that will inform your own opinions. Equally important is that you will have preserved the feelings of equanimity and good will that we all seek on Thanksgiving. As English author George Elliot, observed, “The responsibility of tolerance lies with those who have the wider vision.”
Wishing you a joyful Thanksgiving with your family.
