Recently on this site, we’ve discussed whether those of high IQ often suffer from a low EQ (people skills). I’ve cited examples of high IQ people like Elon Musk, Steve Jobs and Jeff Bezos whose lives were encumbered by an abnormal amount of friction in social contexts: https://www.intelligence-and-iq.com/wp-admin/post.php?post=824&action=edit&calypsoify=1. (Some people have argued that the people mentioned above did, indeed, have a high EQ but applied it to a different purpose, but that’s a discussion that we can have in the future. The differences in opinion attest to the fact that the concept of EQ does is not as precise or objective a measure as IQ.)
Those of high IQ who have “people issues” and wish to reduce the friction in their relationships, may be helped by some simple “Do’s and Don’ts” in their interactions with people.
• Don’t self promote
When you were a child, your parents and teachers were delighted when you showcased your intellectual powers. They shared in the glory of your special abilities and celebrated your achievements. However, your classmates regarded your exceptionality as a threat to their own self-esteem. Do resist the urge to show your superior abilities and be willing to acknowledge sincerely the achievements of others. We all have a need to feel worthwhile, and when you help to boost the self-esteem of others, they will value your company. In Poor Richard’s Almanack, Ben Franklin wrote: None but the well-bred man knows how to confess a fault or acknowledge himself in an error. Employing this strategy helped wily old Ben secure a majority of signatures on the Declaration of Independence.
• Don’t ridicule others.
We are all struggling to find our place in the universe. When you ridicule or “put down” someone you inadvertently dismiss them as irrelevant. Your reward for this ultimate assault on their self-esteem will create for you a mortal enemy who will wish to undermine you at any opportunity. From a self-interest point of view, you don’t need this friction. From a humanitarian point of view, would you want someone to do this to you or to a loved one? Do entertain others with self-deprecating stories that highlight your struggles in life. (The other day, I was entertained by a senior who described with full animation, the ordeal he faced each morning, trying to put on his socks without leaning against a wall.) Comedians all understand how self-deprecating humor lightens the mood of their audience who can identify with their struggle through life. Today, more than ever, people are sensitive to what they regard as a “put down” and comedians recognize the danger of ridiculing anyone other than themselves. It’s like a “slap in the face.”
• Don’t be ego-centric in your conversations.
We all know people who are so self-absorbed that their conversations are all about them and their accomplishments. Though people may be somewhat interested in you, they are mostly interested in how your conversation is relevant to their lives. If your conversations focus entirely on yourself, you will be perceived as boring. Do inquire about others in your conversations, inviting them to expound on their interests, trips, etc. Not only will you learn a lot, but you will also build a stronger bond with your friends. People often said that when they spoke with John F. Kennedy they had his full attention, as if no one else was in the room.
• Don’t let your opinions close you to the validity of other opinions.
Most Hi-Q people are independent thinkers. They spend most of their time in rational mode and form their opinions based on personal observations, facts from research and information from a range of sources. However, most people absorb information from the tribes to which they belong, and adopt the tribal consensus on issues. They live mostly in what Kahneman calls “system 1” or instinctive mode. Many Hi-Q people attempt to change the opinions of others using logical arguments or research-based information, but this is like using a hammer where a screwdriver is needed. Do accept that people tend to cherish their opinions as widely accepted truths, and recognize that challenging these opinions may be regarded as an attack. Inquire gently about their reasons supporting an opinion, and if you sense that the person has an emotional stake in the opinion, just let it go.
• Don’t engage in gossip
It’s unkind to speak ill of someone, except perhaps to a soulmate, because the listener will be wondering how you speak about them. When you do speak about another person do speak as if that person were also in the room.
• Don’t take yourself too seriously (Lighten up)
As a Hi-Q person, you’ve probably had much success in whatever you’ve attempted to achieve. To be a high achiever in any endeavor, we must exaggerate its importance enough to give it our full attention. In the process, you may see yourself as important. But in the final analysis, we all depart the planet and disappear. Do understand that life is finite and internalize MacBeth’s ultimate reminder that life is “a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury signifying nothing.” So hug your family members, enjoy your friends and use your high IQ to move joyfully through life with humor and camaraderie. Learn more at: https://www.intelligence-and-iq.com/chapter-8/
