Many people feel alone in this world, with no spouse, no family and no friends. This is tragic because we humans have evolved as social animals–our need to connect with other humans is “hardwired” into our DNA. Consequently, we often feel an aching loneliness and depression when we are not connected to the human species through friends or relatives. Even the most introverted people crave some connection with other humans. The small percentage of people who become hermits or recluses often develop a pathology of some kind. (See, for example, a brief discussion of the highly intelligent Ted Kaczynski, a.k.a.”Unabomber” Evil Genius or Madman? – Intelligence and IQ)
There are several reasons why a person may have no friends:
• The person has a significantly different level of intelligence from the average person, preventing them from understanding how others feel in certain circumstances. This is a common problem for those of IQ between 80 and 95 as well as for many of those of IQ above 135. Seeing the world from a perspective that differs significantly from the norm, makes it more difficult for you to relate to others and more difficult for others to relate to you. People suffering from dementia, feel increasingly excluded from social engagements as they offer less in conversation, while people of high IQ may often feel isolated by their own lack of interest in attending tailgate parties, rock concerts or monster truck rallies.
There is no easy solution to this problem for those who suffer dementia. If they have family caregivers, it will be the nurturing from the caregivers that will make the person feel included. However, for the person of high intelligence, the answer is to join activities where people of high intellect are found. You will discover that you are not alone; there are many people who are suffering similar intellectual exclusion and are eager to make a connection. Even if you connect with one other bright person, they will inevitably connect you with others with whom they may be connected.
• When a person has no friends, it’s usually an indication that they are not offering anything in a friendship. People befriend you when you are seen to be offering something, whether it’s witty conversation, a shared interest in something cerebral or athletic, or a physical connection. This idea is captured in the adage, “To have a friend, you must be a friend.” People who have a wide range of interests, are approachable, cheerful and prone to laughter are sought after, because their presence makes people feel better.
In his classic book, “How to Win Friends and Influence People,” Dale Carnegie stressed the importance of showing an interest in people as a way to gain their trust and friendship. I would add to this, that these efforts must be sincere and not contrived. When you ask people about themselves, you learn a lot about them and you also broaden you own horizons.
Outlined above are two of the most common reasons for people having few or no friends. There are others, such as those faced by immigrants coming from other cultures where the process of “fitting in” involves a steep learning curve.
In the post below, J. J. Sinkwah, suggests that it’s best to accept a relatively friendless existence, but I would suggest that friends are worth the effort. Although I believed in my early life that I would never need or want friends, I have come to find that although I still live mostly inside my own head, my greatest joy comes from loving my family and sharing ideas with intelligent friends. I have come to realize that “No man (or woman) is an island.
